[ubuntu] Trying my hardest to install.

Here's my situation..

I have a dinosaur, it's a really old Dell with 512mb RAM and 80g HDD, the BIOS doesn't have a USB boot option, and it has no CD nor a floppy disk drive. My only option is USB, but again, I have no boot from USB option. I want to use ONLY Ubuntu, I want nothing to do with...